A Little Bit of Reassessing

I started blogging again because I figured that being home with only one baby would leave me with so much free time I would be out of my mind. 4 weeks in I realize how ridiculous and vague the concept of free time is. Even as I write this I have a newborn on my chest, a sick fiance and am crossing my fingers that the twins don’t wake up again. So I guess what I am realizing more and more in my life is that I need to stop shooting for huge goals and maybe focus on smaller more realistic ones. For example, today I could’ve really used some perspective on my limits and capabilities. Normally Sundays are our grocery shopping days. We load up all 3 kids and brave the store for what usually takes about an hour to get a weeks worth of groceries. Since we had a four day weekend Sunday fell on day 3, so I was just too tired and Matt wasn’t feeling good so we said we would just go on Monday. Well Monday was day 4 of the long weekend, so I don’t know what the hell we were thinking with that plan, because go figure Monday came and we were even more exhausted and even more unwilling to make the trip. But we were getting pretty low on food and two overtired parents slowly becoming two hungry parents wasn’t working for us. So I said that I would go grocery shopping today with Jacy while Matt was at work and the girls were at daycare. I figured it would be a piece of cake. I could just take the front pack and leisurely stroll the aisles finding bargains and enjoying myself. It would be heaven to actually take my time rather than haphazardly throwing the first thing I find in my cart and rapidly firing through our list before the meltdowns begin. You know, shopping with kids. So since I was so excited about grocery shopping I though, oh hey, the girls need some clothes so why don’t I go to Once Upon a Child while I’m out since they are having a huge sale! I love this store because lets face it, with 3 kids I need to get bargains and gently used clothes really don’t bother me since I know the girls are going to destroy them anyway. So anyway, I spent a little while thinking of my plan for the day. It would start with me dropping the girls off at daycare with Matt, then dropping him off at work, then heading back home to feed Jacy and sit for a little while. I got back home around 9:30am and fed Jacy so she would hopefully be all set for 3 hours. Then grabbed some checks I had to deposit at the bank and headed out. I stopped at the bank and made it halfway to Once Upon a Child before I realized, oh shit, totally forgot the front pack. So with no front pack or stroller I knew I was going to have to figure out how to fit the carseat in one of the small shopping carts at Once Upon a Child. Once I got inside it wasn’t a problem, we went down a couple of aisles and all was well for the first 5 minutes. Then Jacy starts getting upset and after a few minutes I realize, oh crap she’s hungry. I have only breastfed in public twice at this point, once at my OBGYN’s office and once at a friends house. So I was a bit nervous but I wasn’t about to not feed her. Luckily the aisle was deserted so I quickly got her on and covered her up. Then I said, well I’m not going to just stand here awkwardly so I walked down the aisle and continued shopping. Luckily Jacy is pretty small and doesn’t wiggle to much so multitasking was easy. Then of course not even two minutes in a woman starts down the aisle, sees me, glares and turns around and storms off. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable and awkward. Then after a couple of minutes of being embarrassed I get pissed. I mean seriously, Magazine covers show more boobs, especially since I was literally completely covered so you weren’t seeing any boob. And frankly if your comfortable looking at women in bathing suits and seeing breasts in a sexual nature, then seeing them doing what they are actually made to do, you know feeding a baby should be no big deal. I’m not saying stare or congratulate me, just don’t make me feel like I’m doing something wrong when the fact is my child is hungry and I am feeding her. If anything, glare at me if I choose to ignore her cries and just keep shopping, because then I am doing something wrong. But anyway, luckily that was the only bit of trouble I had there, but then Jacy finished up and I started to burp her. Now since the shopping carts are so small I left the diaper bag out in the car. Well of course Jacy spits up all over me! And of course I don’t have any other shirts for me and no burp cloth for her. So I got to spend a few minutes cleaning myself and Jacy up with a receiving blanket and then I hear her grunt and make a massive mess in her diaper… At this point I am literally laughing out loud and probably making customers think I’m crazy, but it was just so funny. I mean I was having a complete and total amateur hour, which you would think would be fine if it was my first rodeo, but I had twins, I mean I’m supposed to at least sort of have this baby thing down. Sadly I think having twins made a bit too confident and when I had just one, I was like oh this will be a piece of cake by comparison, well singleton moms out there, I am so incredibly sorry for ever thinking that. Because at the crux of it, parenting, whether it’s one baby or 3 is just plain hard. So then I finish up shopping and head to the grocery store. There I start shopping and realize, holy shit, what was I thinking going by myself. I completely fill the cart and am struggling to push it with the car seat on the front because it is so heavy. Then I get to the checkout and theres 4 people in front of me while Jacy starts crying. Luckily the line next to me opens up and everyone notices Jacy so they let me go first (thank you baby tantrums!), unluckily Jacy is still upset so I am forced to hold her pacifier and gently rock her seat while loading up the conveyer belt. Then when she finally calms down and takes the pacifier on her own I have to rush to catch up on bagging the groceries. Then I have to make it out to the car and load up. By this point I realize that I am shit out of luck because not only is Jacy still hungry but I am going to have to get home and somehow get her inside, feed her, get the groceries in and put them away before our two cats get into them. So I cave and realize theres no way I can do all of this on my own. I call Matt and he says I can come and pick him up at work and he can spend 30 minutes or so helping me get everything done so that I can feed Jacy. Well he was a lifesaver as usual. We got home I went inside and fed Jacy while he brought all of the groceries in and put the away! Words cannot possibly describe how much I love this man. So the point of this whole disaster story is that I have started to learn a valuable lesson which is to slow down and learn your limits! Make small easily achievable goals so that you can work your way up and feel happy and confident rather than over stretching yourself and feeling exhausted and stressed! Now I’ve just got to start actively practicing this lesson!

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